the worst of times

This has to be it. I feel like a zombie. The panic attacks occure several times daily. This morning twice before the job interview. Once at breakfast, thank god there was noone there as I ate. The second as I finished the tailoring of the one pair of jeans I had for the interview today. It was the best I had. those jeans looked cool but had several tears that had been patched (and then the one path today).

I showed up for the interview 10 minutes early. The gentleman I was supposed to see had no idea I was coming. He asked me to come back at 3. I did, then he rescheduled for wednesday at 3. They were all good looking folks I feel like a dumb piece of meat.

it finally happened

A nervous breakdown. in front of a cafe full of people.

today I almost laughed

Silly really. I check my phone like every ten minutes to see if she sent a text. She insisted on sending a text. She likes distance. So, thinking about this, inbetween the 20 million times a day I think of her, I almost laugh at this, What a fool.

Of course the facts are this, which I keep repeating.

She wrote in an e-mail

1) I was expecting too much, she could no longer match my enthusiasm

2) she was and is and will continue to date other men, indefinitely, as she explain it she wishes to not repeat past mistakes (more on this later).

3) almost immediately after letting me know this she logs on to OKC to update her profile. This was late on a sunday night.

Fuck I feel like shit now, no longer laughing.

tale continued

So, after all that horseshit. After it fucken all. I turn into a fucking sap. Sure, I feel all warm and fuzzy because she sort of recanted on the e-mail of death. So then I leave it to her to figure out when to get "that beer". She says she will text me next week. A week goes by and just as I am about to write her off I get a text that, while it doesn't apologize it asks me to not read anything into it, meaning the delay. Of course there is another delay. It gives me time to think. Of course the radio silence now gets worse. I am afraid to check her OKC profile to see when she has last logged in. I of course will be insulted if she has logged in recently and then has not taken the time to at least say hi to me via a text. Right? Shit I feel so dumb. And hurt and wish my ego did not even have to exist and I feel all this dumb pressure to wake up and change my life and this I can't do shit about I mean I can't make her feel something or worse she feels it and doesn't want to feel it and I am just the stand-in for her past and fuck her for being so blind about that and I am tired of being the nice guy and people shitting on and pretending they aren't. Now I don't want her to call cause I am afraid I will fall into the same nice guy bullshit again and let her walk on me more.

an OKCupid tale

OK so, I go onto OKcupid cause a friend says it is good. Now here is what must be mentioned. See, I am in my fourties and I pour lattes for a living. Not just that I mean I roast coffee too but really I am the guy that serves coffee. I have been unable to obtain a second job. I do not have enough money to pay rent. What am I doing on there? Well so I say I am looking for friends. Really though I need to get laid so I go on there hoping to find that trick way of communicating that seemed to work on Myspace etc. But it ain't working. Anyway I make a connection with a woman and we meet and wow aint she terrific. She seems into me too. So now I do like a full court press right. I try like heck to impress her and it seems to work but then bam. She stops communicating. So see what should be mentioned here is that I love e-mails and texts and when people sent letters I loved those too and I wrote long ones and kept every single letter I got and still have it. So when she writes me long messages I am like wow she is like me and doesn't get scared off when I write them to her too. So when the Bam comes well I see it coming. Cause the e-mails stop. Finally I get one back. And it of course has the death sentence in it. "While I appreciate all your e-mails etc I think you are taking this too seriously. I am seeing other people and will continue to do this". To cap it off she goes onto OKC shortly afterward and updates her profile. I know this because OKC has this dumb sort of facebook like feed and because we had been messaging OKC takes the liberty to update me. 10 minutes after blowing me off she updates her profile.

There is more to this but now that I have written the above I feel depressed.

look i found my way back

to this blog

As Many as I Can Remember: March - Twenty Six

que pasa?