tale continued

So, after all that horseshit. After it fucken all. I turn into a fucking sap. Sure, I feel all warm and fuzzy because she sort of recanted on the e-mail of death. So then I leave it to her to figure out when to get "that beer". She says she will text me next week. A week goes by and just as I am about to write her off I get a text that, while it doesn't apologize it asks me to not read anything into it, meaning the delay. Of course there is another delay. It gives me time to think. Of course the radio silence now gets worse. I am afraid to check her OKC profile to see when she has last logged in. I of course will be insulted if she has logged in recently and then has not taken the time to at least say hi to me via a text. Right? Shit I feel so dumb. And hurt and wish my ego did not even have to exist and I feel all this dumb pressure to wake up and change my life and this I can't do shit about I mean I can't make her feel something or worse she feels it and doesn't want to feel it and I am just the stand-in for her past and fuck her for being so blind about that and I am tired of being the nice guy and people shitting on and pretending they aren't. Now I don't want her to call cause I am afraid I will fall into the same nice guy bullshit again and let her walk on me more.